Well, there's always decisions to make in every part of life.
I really hate to pick.
I've never love to, as far as i remember.
Because i always believe, when you gain something, you'll lose something in exchange.
Okay, so now this is like asking me, 'Hello? Do you prefer me to stab you in the throat or the heart?'
Either way, i still die rights!?
(although i don't know which will cause me to die faster la)
Sometimes i wish, i haven't been through that much.
I often miss this little girl, whose dreams had no barriers,
who believed in a world where anything is possible with a heart that was full and unbroken.
I'm certain, if i was still that young and innocent girl right now, i would have went ahead with anything,
anything that my heart says, whichever it wants ; Afterall, i can never understand how much it's goner hurt until the day i experienced it for myself.
But no, i've been broken once ; and i'll never forget, how much it takes, just to have it mend and heal.
It takes everything in me, just to open my eyes every morning to breath and get on with life.
(I think thats the only period that i believe in the existence of 'walking zombies' lor.)
It was really hell and shity.
And that is why, I refuse to talk about the past to anyone.
Cause it'll only hurt more if i keep on recalling the story to how he broke my heart.
It still hurts, till this day whenever i recall what the boy had done.
It made such a huge impact in me that,
from then on, i always think of the consequences first, before going on with anything.
And that's the part that made decisions a more complex issue for me compared to the past where i'll always go...
'Ohh, whichever will happens, so be it. At the end of the day everything will just be fine all over again.'
But i learnt the hard way, i learnt that nothing's goner be the same,
Sometimes you'll never recover, never... be fine.
It scares me even more when i hear you telling me about your past.
The look in your eyes penetrates through my heart,
so deeply that i can almost feel the damage caused to your heart,
(and most probably i can only feel less than ten percent of what you've been through la.)
And ohh hey, surprisingly i feel a pain in my heart whenever you start telling me about your past.
Though i'm not sure why i feel this way.
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'To me, sex is about pleasure...'
Its amazing how just a simple sentence can cause so much 'movements' in my heart.
Its like i can feel my veins and arteries that is surrounding my heart,
getting tighter and tighter until to an extend that my heart screams out of exhausion,
simply because it couldn't pump itself properly.
I wish there was a continuation this sentence,
like at least add on something behind that make it seems a less...
tsk, how should i put this? a less 'cruel' or rather 'realistic' or 'superficial' or...
okay fine, i can't find the right word here but i hope i've somewhat gotten my point across.
There's a saying, a tear is make up of 1% water and 99% feelings.
To me, sex is about 100% feelings.
(and honestly i think this is also what its about to any other female teens, although i never go do a survey on it la, but well, i never knows)
and of course, the other 100% pleasure applies.
BUT WAIT.
That 100% pleasure only comes in a package with the 100% feelings.
I really lookup to people (including you or whoever's reading) who can do it with just pleasure, pure pleasure.
WTF?
No offence, but i can never imagine how can one let another person touch/kiss/explore/suck/fuck without any feelings for the person.
Honestly, i can never do that.
I mean, at least not for now ; cause i get the point that one's mentality changes as they grow.
But right now i'm still in the state that,
I can't allow anyone to lay a finger on me if i don't have at least like ... lets say, 90% feelings for that person?
(I mean lets say for me only, not considering if the other party likes me at all.)
Even if it means a simple thing like having his hand around my waist.
I'll totally go crazy and scream, 'Please get your fucking hand off my body or i'll kick you real hard in your balls and make sure you... !?#%*^ '
Okay, i'm not sure if i'm even normal at all.
But then this is what i am! D:
I feel damn gross/disgusted/irritated/pissed/frustrated/whatever when i get into physical contact with someone i've no feelings for.
I'm not exaggerating here but this is the way i feel from the very start when i get to know what BGR is about.
Not sure how others feel, but what can i do! Thats just me :/
And then the most ultimate factor bugging me is that despite having all these negatives thoughts and consequences running through my mind,
i'm still tempted to give it a try.
I'm not exactly looking to fall in love, not even necessarily looking for a boyfriend right now.
I mean, if it really happens, good for me/us/whatever.
All i want is a nice guy i can text late at night, just some skin and some rough hands,
some whispered words and harsh breathing.
Just someone to cuddle up and fall asleep with,
A hand to hold when walking down the empty streets.
I want to laugh with you, cry for you, and miss you so much it aches, and wrap myself around you.
I want to feel the weight of you, to hear the sirens, to run until my breath gives out,
I could stand in the rain until i'm saturated with you,
until the water stings my eyes the way your words do.
We could fingerpaint our dreams,
you could play me a lullaby full of discordant harmonics...
It took me almost 4years to find someone who has the ability to make my heart ache so much again.
And i only discovered this fact the instant we got touch yesterday.
I don’t know if I’m strong enough to overcome this simply because I know what you’re deep down.
This is such a bitch.
So whats naooooo!?
Tsk.
Walao.
I want to be a little girl lehhhhh. *Pouts.
When you’re a little girl, you believe in fairytales.
And you say your going to find Prince Charming and
he’s going to be everything you want him to be.
In fairytales, the bad guy is easy to spot.
He’s always wearing a black cape.
Then you grow up.
You find out that Prince Charming isn’t as easy to
find as you thought.
The bad guy, isn’t wearing a
black cape.
He’s really cute and he makes you laugh.
you're an asshole,
you're an idiot,
you're a bastard,
you're a jerk,
you're a beast,
Ohh crap. BUT HELL YES, I LOVE YOU.
PS. People always says...
'If you're having second thoughts about something you wanna do, don't try.'
But right now its like...
' okay, i shall try...'
on the other hand...
' huh, no i don't wanna get hurt...'
and then...
' okay, i shall end all these before it gets out of hand...'
on the other hand...
' huh, no i don't want any regrets, at least even if i regret whats done, i've tried right?'
damn KNN one lehhh!
