❤ somewhere between long talks and making fun of each other, i fell for you ❤

I feel like i've so many things to say.

But i keep typing and deleting, typing and deleting, and the cycle repeats.

I think of so many things that is mindfucking me.

I don't want to think anymore.

I don't care if this is goner make any sense or whats not.

I'm just goner say whatever that comes to my mind.

I'm getting insomnia every single night because i keep thinking about you.

I keep thinking about us, our conversations.

I keep thinking about the promises you've made that made me so happy.

And i think about the places that you said you'll bring me to..

That you'll bring me to this and that restaurant which serve really really awesome dishes..

That you'll take off(s) to bring me out when i have a four-days week in poly..

That you'll bring me out to a couple of movies every now and then..

That you'll bring me to USS and enjoy ourselves thoroughly for the entire day..

That you'll get me a ring since i so upset that i lost mine the previous time..

and the list goes on..

And i keep thinking if these days would ever come.

Or rather i keep praying for them to come.

Everyday i think about the thousands of memories that we can create over the next two years.

I keep hoping that the two years will never end.

I feel so scared.

It's as if i've never ever felt so insecure in my life.

I keep counting the number of months that we're left with.

I keep reminiscing about your words, and how you made the vow time and again, how you swear to your light, the dolphins and all.

And then i believed.

I finally, believed you.

Then the next moment i'm being punched, so hard..

" Then you just take it that i'm selfish. I am very very selfish... "

And then everything just vanished all of a sudden.

Just imagine yourself sleeping really soundly, in a complete coma and wandering into your land of fantasy.

And then someone just have to punch you so hard in the face that you don't even have the chance to wake up and react or to just realised you're being punched..

and then you just, died.

".. i'm selfish.. i'm selfish.. i'm self.."

it keeps repeating itself in my mind.

It says so much.

It's just as good as saying,

" Oh hey, you know what? The deal's off ok? I don't care if you agree or not. I don't care if you like it or not. I'm selfish and i say its off and thats that. I don't give a shit about what i promised ok? Fine, i broke my promise and so? What can you do? HAHA. "

Whenever i feel insecure, i assured myself with the two-year deal.

But right now, there's nothing left that i can "console" myself with, or rather just to make myself feel a little, just a little.. safer.

Its like, right now, not even promises can save me from this.

Not the insecurities that is making me uncomfortable, but that..

I feel totally helpless.

Its to a point that i can't really describe how i feel anymore.

I mean, i don't know what i'm feeling anymore.

It just feels as if i'm paralysed from head to toe.

Like literary not being able to move or cry or throw a tantrum or whatever that i can do.

There's simply no other outlets and to let my emotions flow out of my body.

It feels so.. i don't know.

So suffocated, like everything's jammed and screwed inside.

But you just can't get them out no matter how hard you've tried.

And it takes everything in you just to, breathe.

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And yes, i'm jealous, like really really jealous.

I'm jealous of every single girl you looked at, every single girl whom you talks about.

But its doesn't matter.

Because i keep telling myself that i'm the only one that you're kissing right now and that i'm the only one whom you're sleeping with right now.

At the very least i'm enjoying this "privilege" and that i'm somehow, "special".

But my only consolation just have to be destroyed.

" To you, every kiss may mean a thing, but to me, another kiss is just another kiss, another fuck is just another fuck... "

The entire world just collapsed.

Just collapsed on me.

I remember every word you've said to me, how about you? Do you? Do you remember your own words? I really wonder...

(I'm not being angry, not being sarcastic ; just helplessly wishing that, you really do...)

❤ " I said i like you not because i want to get into your pants. I said i like you because i really do.."

The man who invented the word "PROMISE" should die a thousand times even before he was born.

❤ WernnChinng! JIAYOU! D:
4:17 AM