hello, i love you .

2011-06-26T04:17:00.009+08:00

I feel like i've so many things to say.

But i keep typing and deleting, typing and deleting, and the cycle repeats.

I think of so many things that is mindfucking me.

I don't want to think anymore.

I don't care if this is goner make any sense or whats not.

I'm just goner say whatever that comes to my mind.

I'm getting insomnia every single night because i keep thinking about you.

I keep thinking about us, our conversations.

I keep thinking about the promises you've made that made me so happy.

And i think about the places that you said you'll bring me to..

That you'll bring me to this and that restaurant which serve really really awesome dishes..

That you'll take off(s) to bring me out when i have a four-days week in poly..

That you'll bring me out to a couple of movies every now and then..

That you'll bring me to USS and enjoy ourselves thoroughly for the entire day..

That you'll get me a ring since i so upset that i lost mine the previous time..

and the list goes on..

And i keep thinking if these days would ever come.

Or rather i keep praying for them to come.

Everyday i think about the thousands of memories that we can create over the next two years.

I keep hoping that the two years will never end.

I feel so scared.

It's as if i've never ever felt so insecure in my life.

I keep counting the number of months that we're left with.

I keep reminiscing about your words, and how you made the vow time and again, how you swear to your light, the dolphins and all.

And then i believed.

I finally, believed you.

Then the next moment i'm being punched, so hard..

" Then you just take it that i'm selfish. I am very very selfish... "

And then everything just vanished all of a sudden.

Just imagine yourself sleeping really soundly, in a complete coma and wandering into your land of fantasy.

And then someone just have to punch you so hard in the face that you don't even have the chance to wake up and react or to just realised you're being punched..

and then you just, died.

".. i'm selfish.. i'm selfish.. i'm self.."

it keeps repeating itself in my mind.

It says so much.

It's just as good as saying,

" Oh hey, you know what? The deal's off ok? I don't care if you agree or not. I don't care if you like it or not. I'm selfish and i say its off and thats that. I don't give a shit about what i promised ok? Fine, i broke my promise and so? What can you do? HAHA. "

Whenever i feel insecure, i assured myself with the two-year deal.

But right now, there's nothing left that i can "console" myself with, or rather just to make myself feel a little, just a little.. safer.

Its like, right now, not even promises can save me from this.

Not the insecurities that is making me uncomfortable, but that..

I feel totally helpless.

Its to a point that i can't really describe how i feel anymore.

I mean, i don't know what i'm feeling anymore.

It just feels as if i'm paralysed from head to toe.

Like literary not being able to move or cry or throw a tantrum or whatever that i can do.

There's simply no other outlets and to let my emotions flow out of my body.

It feels so.. i don't know.

So suffocated, like everything's jammed and screwed inside.

But you just can't get them out no matter how hard you've tried.

And it takes everything in you just to, breathe.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And yes, i'm jealous, like really really jealous.

I'm jealous of every single girl you looked at, every single girl whom you talks about.

But its doesn't matter.

Because i keep telling myself that i'm the only one that you're kissing right now and that i'm the only one whom you're sleeping with right now.

At the very least i'm enjoying this "privilege" and that i'm somehow, "special".

But my only consolation just have to be destroyed.

" To you, every kiss may mean a thing, but to me, another kiss is just another kiss, another fuck is just another fuck... "

The entire world just collapsed.

Just collapsed on me.

I remember every word you've said to me, how about you? Do you? Do you remember your own words? I really wonder...

(I'm not being angry, not being sarcastic ; just helplessly wishing that, you really do...)

❤ " I said i like you not because i want to get into your pants. I said i like you because i really do.."

The man who invented the word "PROMISE" should die a thousand times even before he was born.

2011-06-08T04:09:00.003+08:00

Speechless - Lady Gaga

Hooow?
Haaaa-oooo-wow?
H-ooow?
Wow

I can't believe what you said to me
Last night, we were alone
You threw your arms up
Baby you gave up, you gave up

I can't believe how you looked at me
With your James Dean glossy eyes
In your tight jeans with your long hair
And your cigarette stained lies

Could we fix you if you broke?
And is your punch line just a joke?

I'll never talk again
Oh boy you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless, so speechless

And I'll never love again,
Oh boy you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless, so speechless

I can't believe how you slurred at me
With your half-wired broken jaw
You popped my heart seams
All of my bubble dreams, bubble dreams

I can't believe how you looked at me
With your Johnnie Walker eyes
He's gonna get you and after he's through
There's gonna be no love left to rye

And I know that it's complicated
But I'm a loser in love so baby
Raise a glass to mend
All the broken hearts
Of all my wrecked up friends

I'll never talk again
Oh boy you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless so speechless

And I'll never love again,
Oh friend you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless, so speechless

H-ooow?
H-oooo-wow?
H-ooow?

H-ooow?
H-oooo-wow?
H-ooow?

And after all the drinks and bars that we've been to
Would you give it all up?
Could I give it all up for you?

And after all the boys and the girls that we've been through
Would you give it all up?
Could you give it all up?
If I promise boy to you

That I'll never talk again
And I'll never love again
I'll never write a song
Won't even sing along
I'll never love again

H-ooow?

So speechless
You left me speechless, so speechless

Will you ever talk again?
Oh boy, why you so speechless?
You've left me speechless so speechless

Some men may follow me
But you choose any girl but me
Why you so speechless?

Oh oh ohhhh

2011-03-15T22:52:00.000+08:00

And in the end, no one ever keeps their promises.

2011-01-01T04:15:00.003+08:00

It’s only been a day since I met you but I miss you already and I still cant stop thinking about our first date. It was awkward and clumsy and we didn’t have much to say. But I felt something. For a long time there hasn’t been a lurch in my stomach - and now its there again.

I stared into your eyes and I literally got lost in your gaze while we were talking. For a while there it seemed like all you did was to move your mouth without breathing a word. Nothing you said was going into my head because i was so enamored with how cute you are. Your face. Your face.

I don’t know where this is going. I haven’t the slightest clue about the real you but I like you with such vibrato with such intensity that its scaring me. Maybe all the unused feelings I had for the past few years of being alone has been poured into you simply because there isn’t any other outlet. But that’s just me being logical. Being logical about feelings that are so illogical I laugh at myself because I find the entire concept of falling head over heels utter nonsense. It’s ridiculous.

Maybe its just lust but I think about your touch all the time. I think about holding you to sleep - about licking your tongue and tasting your lips.

You keep smiling. You smile and for the duration prior, during and after its like the world's a better place just because your lips curved. I don’t know why but somehow you're the answer to stagnation in my life right now. Nothing is going on. I’m just going through the motions and in a way you've given me reason to look forward to tomorrow again.

It scares me that I like you so much even though I barely know you. I desperately want to be a larger part of your life and I’d rather die than have nothing to talk about when we meet. Please be my shot at happiness. I’m ready this time.

2010-07-25T11:52:00.005+08:00

Indeed i've been gone, for awhile.

I shouldn't be doing this now 'cause next week's papers are insane.

History, Chemistry, POA.

Eh fuck.

Anyone knows why there ain't any paper last wednesday?

If not common tests would have ended on the 27th instead of 28th.

But whatever, really.

My house LEAKED, or rather FLOODED last week and my coursework's gone.

My 8boards are soaked beyond recognition.

Okay, i think this will be much of a surprise because i have yet to tell anyone about it yet.

Damn.

It happened like, last Sunday.

That asshole whom i wanted to talk/complain/rant to, wanted to sleep instead of hearing me out.

WTF.

Nvm, whatever man.

I'm supposed to hand in my whole portfolio together with my canvas by the end of this month, today's the 25th btw.

*smirks*

Life has been hectic, as usual, for I’m still a sec-4 student.

Miss S is rather pleased with me lately, probably because i've been working pretty diligently on my canvas and so.

Or maybe its cause i've been staying back after art lessons to clean and pack up the art room for her everytime despite lessons stretch till 6plus in the evening.

or perhads... its cause have yet to bring her any 'problems' of any sort YET ; cause the rest of the art students are really behind time.

Which is why, i dare not break the news to her that my portfoilio's gone.

I know i'll have to face this sooner or later, but then again, i'll have to think about how should i go about telling her.

School's rather mundane.

Because of the draining Banding classes in the afternoon, everyone's restless.

Nothing much happened actually.

Of course there are a few disputes and hoohaas here and there, but I am coping fine, I always do.

Other than that, nothing interesting happened in particular.

My friend from Taiwan emailed me recently.

Haven't been replying to her mails regularly as my com can't type chinese.

Gotta be at my friend place or if not, my phone to reply.

But she's kind enough to sent me some photos that some of her friends took during our last visit(:

What happened? Why's everyone's looking at Ms Ding, looking so fierce!

Okay, i know i look like a siao zhabor with this messy hair plus groggy eyes due to late night talks.

Awesome lunch and conversations with the Taiwanese(:

Thats it for now i guess.

I've gotta read up on Gorbachev for history.

And perhads, do abit of Chemistry.

Bye, for now.

See it’s very divine, you’re one of a kind.
But you mush up my mind, you ought to get declined.
Oh Lord, my baby is driving me crazy.

2010-06-21T23:29:00.006+08:00

You make me feel like a superstar .

Credits : My dearest SeeWenYi took this picture for me some years back ;D

I chance upon a producer/director/scriptwriter/actor/whatever lately.

This producer somehow got me to take up the role of a female-leading character in a movie that's going into production.

It was so~ amazing.

I mean, who doesn't want to be a movie star?

And the most fascinating part is that, i've never in my life even start out as a model or be featured as some hot chicks on the magazines.

Not experienced, not even...

Ahs, i wonder if i can even memorise my script lines properly, let alone acting in a movie.

To be honest, i don't even have a proper nice face to look at.

Nor a nice figure or an angel-like voice.

Ehs? I cannot even speak properly! D:

*sidetrack*

And somewhat i was told that the producer is also the male-leading character working with me.

That would mean my boss = my colleague ;D How cool.

Everything was nicely arranged.

Even the contract have been prepared, lay out nicely with a pen right infront of me.

Terms and conditions were drawn obviously.

And some of them are sort of... ridiculous, i would say.

(But aiyah, no free lunch in the world right!?)

I went through the script, over and over again.

How nice.

I'm totally in love with the storyline (:

And i even had a trail or rather, a sneak preview of the show.

All in all, it's fine.

Except that i'm somehow turned-off by the ending of the movie.

Ohh, but then again, i'm hired just to be an actress.

Not in a position to comment on the script/plot/story or whatsoever.

I just gotta play my role well, coordinate with the director and do what i'm told.

And afterall, i don't think the ending of the show's goner matter to audiences like you people anyways.

Cause the contract stated that the movie ain't goner be shown in the cinema.

Casts in the movie will never be recognised, no fame, no nothing.

*sidetrack again*

And then my boss/colleague is such a professional actor, sometimes i don't even know if he's really talking to me or practising his movie script to me. Haha, interesting person, uhs? (:

Actually my boss is a nice person.

You know, normally companies like this tends to put those 'unreasonable' terms and conditions in the smallest font ever, have it in the lightest grey colour and most of the time printed right at the bottom of the page where its hardly visible ; you can hardly make out the words.

And then of course you'll just sign the contract unknowingly and alas, end of story.

But hey, my boss not only had those T & C printed in RED, BOLD, CLEAR TEXT,

he even explained each and every of them to me in proper words.

Like how nice of him right.

I was told that my role can/will be replaced anytime, anywhere, any conditions.

Maybe to a second-leading cast?

Or maybe just an extra needed in a random scene.

Or maybe a helper at the backstage to buy food, coffee or tea for the participating movie stars.

Or even better, not even needed at all for carrying props around.

Aha, right now i don't even know if i'm 'stealing' another girl's leading role.

If i am, then i'm so sorry to whoever it is man.

I didn't mean to, you know, but i got approached somehow, somewhat, just like how you did previously.

Termination of the contract will result in compensation just like any other company,

Compensating of... not money,

but a certain percentage of a fist size particle located on the left side of my chest.

Amount to pay will be based on how long the production have been going on.

In other words, the time span is directly proportionate to percentage of flesh to be given up at the end of my... so call, 'career'.

(As in, this only applies to me terminating it la.)

The policy states that the company have every right to terminate my contract without any prior notice or compensation or whatsoever.

Like, har!?

Then if i lose my job, where else am i suppose to find a new job in such a short time!

And no job means no income which means no money which also means i'm goner starve to death... did i just exaggerated? (Ohh, i think i just did.)

------------------ *missing text* -------------------

Everything's ready.

The only thing thats short of now is a nod from me, or rather more practically...

a signature to make the contract valid.

--- *WALAO, I HAVEN'T FINISH WHAT I WANT TO WRITE.* ---

I wish i had another hour or so to continue this post.

But then... tsk, check out my twitter to find out what just happened okay.

Omg, i just remember Miss S is coming back to join us in school later on D:

Alrights, i've gotta wrap up now.

Good night to whoever's still awake, and bye.

2010-06-20T18:49:00.011+08:00

Decisions .

Well, there's always decisions to make in every part of life.

I really hate to pick.

I've never love to, as far as i remember.

Because i always believe, when you gain something, you'll lose something in exchange.

Okay, so now this is like asking me, 'Hello? Do you prefer me to stab you in the throat or the heart?'

Either way, i still die rights!?

(although i don't know which will cause me to die faster la)

Sometimes i wish, i haven't been through that much.

I often miss this little girl, whose dreams had no barriers,

who believed in a world where anything is possible with a heart that was full and unbroken.

I'm certain, if i was still that young and innocent girl right now, i would have went ahead with anything,

anything that my heart says, whichever it wants ; Afterall, i can never understand how much it's goner hurt until the day i experienced it for myself.

But no, i've been broken once ; and i'll never forget, how much it takes, just to have it mend and heal.

It takes everything in me, just to open my eyes every morning to breath and get on with life.

(I think thats the only period that i believe in the existence of 'walking zombies' lor.)

It was really hell and shity.

And that is why, I refuse to talk about the past to anyone.

Cause it'll only hurt more if i keep on recalling the story to how he broke my heart.

It still hurts, till this day whenever i recall what the boy had done.

It made such a huge impact in me that,

from then on, i always think of the consequences first, before going on with anything.

And that's the part that made decisions a more complex issue for me compared to the past where i'll always go...

'Ohh, whichever will happens, so be it. At the end of the day everything will just be fine all over again.'

But i learnt the hard way, i learnt that nothing's goner be the same,

Sometimes you'll never recover, never... be fine.

It scares me even more when i hear you telling me about your past.

The look in your eyes penetrates through my heart,

so deeply that i can almost feel the damage caused to your heart,

(and most probably i can only feel less than ten percent of what you've been through la.)

And ohh hey, surprisingly i feel a pain in my heart whenever you start telling me about your past.

Though i'm not sure why i feel this way.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'To me, sex is about pleasure...'

Its amazing how just a simple sentence can cause so much 'movements' in my heart.

Its like i can feel my veins and arteries that is surrounding my heart,

getting tighter and tighter until to an extend that my heart screams out of exhausion,

simply because it couldn't pump itself properly.

I wish there was a continuation this sentence,

like at least add on something behind that make it seems a less...

tsk, how should i put this? a less 'cruel' or rather 'realistic' or 'superficial' or...

okay fine, i can't find the right word here but i hope i've somewhat gotten my point across.

There's a saying, a tear is make up of 1% water and 99% feelings.

To me, sex is about 100% feelings.

(and honestly i think this is also what its about to any other female teens, although i never go do a survey on it la, but well, i never knows)

and of course, the other 100% pleasure applies.

BUT WAIT.

That 100% pleasure only comes in a package with the 100% feelings.

I really lookup to people (including you or whoever's reading) who can do it with just pleasure, pure pleasure.

WTF?

No offence, but i can never imagine how can one let another person touch/kiss/explore/suck/fuck without any feelings for the person.

Honestly, i can never do that.

I mean, at least not for now ; cause i get the point that one's mentality changes as they grow.

But right now i'm still in the state that,

I can't allow anyone to lay a finger on me if i don't have at least like ... lets say, 90% feelings for that person?

(I mean lets say for me only, not considering if the other party likes me at all.)

Even if it means a simple thing like having his hand around my waist.

I'll totally go crazy and scream, 'Please get your fucking hand off my body or i'll kick you real hard in your balls and make sure you... !?#%*^ '

Okay, i'm not sure if i'm even normal at all.

But then this is what i am! D:

I feel damn gross/disgusted/irritated/pissed/frustrated/whatever when i get into physical contact with someone i've no feelings for.

I'm not exaggerating here but this is the way i feel from the very start when i get to know what BGR is about.

Not sure how others feel, but what can i do! Thats just me :/

And then the most ultimate factor bugging me is that despite having all these negatives thoughts and consequences running through my mind,

i'm still tempted to give it a try.

I'm not exactly looking to fall in love, not even necessarily looking for a boyfriend right now.

I mean, if it really happens, good for me/us/whatever.

All i want is a nice guy i can text late at night, just some skin and some rough hands,

some whispered words and harsh breathing.

Just someone to cuddle up and fall asleep with,

A hand to hold when walking down the empty streets.

I want to laugh with you, cry for you, and miss you so much it aches, and wrap myself around you.

I want to feel the weight of you, to hear the sirens, to run until my breath gives out,

I could stand in the rain until i'm saturated with you,

until the water stings my eyes the way your words do.

We could fingerpaint our dreams,

you could play me a lullaby full of discordant harmonics...

It took me almost 4years to find someone who has the ability to make my heart ache so much again.

And i only discovered this fact the instant we got touch yesterday.

I don’t know if I’m strong enough to overcome this simply because I know what you’re deep down.

This is such a bitch.

So whats naooooo!?

Tsk.

Walao.

I want to be a little girl lehhhhh. *Pouts.

When you’re a little girl, you believe in fairytales.

And you say your going to find Prince Charming and  he’s going to be everything you want him to be.

In fairytales, the bad guy is easy to spot.

He’s always wearing a black cape.

Then you grow up.

You find out that Prince Charming isn’t as easy to  find as you thought.

The bad guy, isn’t wearing a  black cape.

He’s really cute and he makes you laugh.

you're an asshole,

you're an idiot,

you're a bastard,

you're a jerk,

you're a beast,

Ohh crap. BUT HELL YES, I LOVE YOU.

PS. People always says...

'If you're having second thoughts about something you wanna do, don't try.'

But right now its like...

' okay, i shall try...'

on the other hand...

' huh, no i don't wanna get hurt...'

and then...

' okay, i shall end all these before it gets out of hand...'

on the other hand...

' huh, no i don't want any regrets, at least even if i regret whats done, i've tried right?'

damn KNN one lehhh!

2010-06-20T12:08:00.003+08:00

幸福的后来只不过是客气的坦白 ...

The conversation got too deep, i shrugged and tell you, i don't know.

2010-05-23T15:11:00.004+08:00

i should really put an end to my habit of procrastination .

FML.

The worst thing on earth just happened, i feel the world collasping, i should just kill myself .

2010-05-21T23:58:00.004+08:00

Okay, TWC has decided to blog today because today is a fine day (:
Holy Crap, fine day!?
Whatever it is laaaa.
Anyways, FB-ed before i came here and saw something really funny, so i've decided to share it here.
Look at this! x)

Chia Wei Jian I think I want to go back to NYJC and visit the canteen aunties!
10 hours ago · Comment ·
You like this.
Zihui Leow
you know there's a new stall selling fish soup. LOL
beside chicken rice
10 hours ago
Chia Wei Jian
REALLY AH NICE NOT?!
10 hours ago
Zihui Leow
i think not bad. the queue always long. ( partly because like west kingdom, cook very long)
10 hours ago
Chia Wei Jian
LOLLLLLLLLLLLL. CANNOT FIGHT WITH THE NANYANG COFFEESHOP ONE LA.
10 hours ago
Zihui Leow
HAHAH! oh yes. that one is better.
10 hours ago
Chia Wei Jian
Oei you pon school ah.
10 hours ago
Zihui Leow
No. I end school at 1.30 todayy
10 hours ago
Chia Wei Jian
Tsk mei li mao stay in school study.
10 hours ago
Zihui Leow
what's mei li mao?
10 hours ago
Laura Tan
Not polite? Hahah
10 hours ago
Chia Wei Jian
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAAAHHAHA MEI LI MAO.
10 hours ago
Chia Wei Jian
NO MANNERS la, then what, BEAUTIFUL CAT?!
10 hours ago
Laura Tan
HAHAH i really think zihui thinks its beautiful cat. HAHA
10 hours ago
Wee Ling Yan
LOL!!! (Y) FUNNY!
10 hours ago
Chia Wei Jian
:\
9 hours ago
Zihui Leow
:S why say i mei li mao stay in school study?
9 hours ago
Chia Wei Jian
I say you mei li mao, why never stay in school study ok we should end this topic and change something to talk about.
9 hours ago
Shanmei Tong
MADNESS
2 hours ago

Beautiful Cat!? ;DDD LOLL!

topics for the day...

- School, Life, Results, Rants
- Shopping Trip with Shermaine

Life's quite or rather i should say, considerably awesome recently after midyearexaminations.
Wow, this is like the first time in the year i'm saying this, LIFE'S AWESOME.
Well, this will also be my last time saying it before the commerce of O's Papers, i supposed.
i must make full use of my weekend this two days because...

next week will be CourseWorkWeek for me everyday.
afterwhich will be the JuneStudyCamp.
followed by the EsplanadeConcert.
and school'll start again (sounds wrong because i don't think we'll even get to stop it)

afternoon lessons will stretch till evenings
and there'll be nonsense such as 'banding' , 'stretching' etc.
weird names given, but all in all, they're just EXTRA LESSONS and REMEDIAL CLASSES.
how 'nice' of the teachers to think of such interesting names for them.
ohh well, they make no difference to me anyways.

then it'll be common tests in July.
followed by intensive revision in august.
Prelims in September.
and finally O'levels in October.

i'm nao like running a marathon with time D:
i have to nao faster chop chop complete my art CourseWork and Portfolio.
then start my revision for... humanities and sciences (they suck like shit, i'm disgusted by my results, i'll leave that for later)

and then faster practice more maths.
read more books and brush up on my vocab and grammer for English.
more chinese newspaper in preparations for my HCL paper end of year.

that'll be all i guess?
i'll leave POA alone for the time being i think.

targets to meet at the end of June...
1) finish all CourseWork and Portfolio
2) finish all Sciences' tenyearseries
3) finish reading both humanities textbook

okay, that'll be more than enough for me to finish i guess.

regarding my results...
i deproved as compared to common test.
my class position i dropped from 3th to 4th.
and level postion i dropped from 44th to 57th.

these are my results :/

in red = common tests' in black = midyears'

English 50 ; C6 60.5 ; B4
HigherChinese 54 ; C6 61.5 ; B4
E. Mathematics 60 ; B4 68 ; B3
CombineScience 62.5 ; B4 52.5 ; C6
CombineHumanities 62.5 ; C5 51 ; C6
Principles of Accounts 78 ; A1 80 ; A1
ART 72 ; A2 59 ; C5

apparently, i've got a C5 for my ART.
Congrates me.
FML.
FUCK MY LIFE .
first time, like reallyyyyyy.
first time i'm getting below a B3.
OMG, i should go and kill myself right naooooo! ):
highest in class got a 65marks, B3.
i totally think i deserve better.
i cao-cao also got a B4 standard rights!?
tsk.

i fucking study when people were studying and
i fucking stayed up for countless nights to finish my PortFolio whilst other people's sleeping
i fucking go to the popular
i fucking waste my money to buy new brushes and paint
i fucking go to school especially on a non-school day to hand in my work and
i fucking go home after hearing "you-know-who" 's nagging
i fucking put in all my efforts to do this instead of studying for other subjects...

and this !?@#%$^ just have to do this to me!?
C6.
KNNBCCB.

and ohh.
mr kok jun yan got 4/100 for art!
hilarious!
mr cho jun ting did slightly better, 12/100 !?
hahahahahahahas.

i think PRSS should close down their ART department and sack or fire...
you-know-who.

is you don't know how to teach or is we cannot draw,
you know, we know, everyone can see la, huh.

i really wish someone PROFESSIONAL could tell me if i can get an A2 for O'levels (ART)
its like, i already got a B3 for O'levels chinese last year.
so its like, why am i doing all these, CourseWork and whichever shit !?
i can just use my chinese as one of the R5 rights!
then i can jolly well spent my time on art to do other revision such as for sciences and humanities!

then i can at LEAST secure an 'A' for sciences and ' B ' for humanities.

which i think its more worth while.
and they're both a more objective subjects.
as compare to ART which is a more subjective one, depending on if the examiner likes your work.

pouts many manyyyy.
what should i do naooooo!

YOU TELL ME HOWXZXZXZX! :/

i want my name to be flashed on the visualiser come 2011
i want to come back PRSS to receive awards for the top scorers come 2010
i want my L1R5 to be below 10 marks
i don't want it to be a double digit! D:
i want to get into a renown Junior College
i want i want i wantttt ~~~

i want to be successful when i grow up
i want to hold a career that i like and not goan over going to work everyday
i want to live a carefreelive
i want to enjoy my work
i don't want to live my life worrying about this and that.

but then again,
right naoooooo,
i just want to do well for O'levels.

i screwed my first national examination once, 4years ago, PSLE @ an aggregate of 229
i cannot afford to screw another one anymore.

i have to...
HELP MYSELF.

nobody can help me.
i'm... ALL ALONE D:

FML.

END OF MY SCHOOL, STRESS, RESULTS, RANTING.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anyways, i went out with Shermaine today(:
We shopped from TampinesOne to TampinesMall to CityLinkMall to WheelLockPlace and all the way to FareastPlaza!
Hilarious.
i think we're entitled to participate in a MISS SHOPPING QUEEN CONTEST lor.
But never mind about that.

and now this shameless woman owe me a totally of $99.10 ;DDD
hahahahaha.
ehs, i didn't give her that nick.
its the taiwan people give one lor.

Shameless Woman = Shermaine Wee

hahahahahahahahah.
then another shameless woman is CindyTay, also named by the taiwan people. LOLL.
Err... but i won't comment on that because...
deep inside, all of us know, she's a shameless woman laaaa. hahahaha. ok, JKJK (:

anyways, i spent plenty of money todayyyyyy D:
FML.

First Stop, COTTON ON
i bought two beach shorts which is a bargain because COTTON ON is having a storewide 50% sale! (:
everyone, grab something from there naooo before they get out of stock!
shermaine got a grey cardigan from there for only like 5bucks!?
cool rights!

Second Stop, Sixties
another shop having sale and i got a white sweet lacey tank top

Third Stop, NewUrbanMale (CityLinkMall)
none of us got anything from there because most things got OOS ):
ohh yes, before i continue, NewUrbanMale is also having its 7th Anniversary Sale!
WHICH IS ALSO A 50% SALES.
GO GRAB SOMETHING THERE RIGHT NAOOOOO.
storewide 50% lehhhh.
mai siao siao.

Fourth Stop, NewUrbanMale (WheelLockPlace)
Shermaine got 2 Jerseys which cost a total of $74.90
But she's damn satisfied laaa. (:
and ohh, this zhabor really damn whattttt lor.
i told her the other day i bought two jerseys also, one is printed "Marine Parade" and the other is "Poland"...
then she WTF laughed out loud loud at me for buying my own estate! :/

then she even comment that she would NEVER buy her own town because she don't want people to know where she stayyyy.
then in the end she ownself also bought a "Tampines" !!
damn retard cans!? -.-"
then the more imba and retarded thing is that...
she still tell me she's not goner wear that jersey out unless she's going around Tampines.
LOLL, more retarded pleaseeee. hahahahaha.

Fareast afterwhich to grab some fingerfood.
got something to fill our stomachs from "Chippy"...
at first i still wanted to go marina square to get my wallet.
but both of us were so exhausted and our legs were screaming out of exhaustion alreadyyy.
didn't go there in the end and went home.

END OF SHOPPING ADVENTURE

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Btw, i still have alot of debts that i've yet to collect backkkk lehhhh.
Please locate your name and your debt here and come settle them asap, tyvm.

HongLiLi - 5bucks
Jarold - 10Bucks
Cindy - 30Bucks
Shermaine - 99bucks

TWC is current broke like a pauper naooooo ): For goodness sake,

TWC please please please work harder for goodness sake.
where can you go with an L1R4 of 20 and L1R5 of 24!?

YOU'VE BETTER WAKE UP YOUR IDEAS TONG WERN CHING! D:
JIAYOU!

2010-05-01T13:27:00.007+08:00

“ 老公，我们的孩子死了。。。”

 这是我听到她说的最后一句话，那一年，她18，我20。

我想，那个孩子如果活下来，现在也有12岁了吧。

那是8个月的孩子，打掉了，

据说孩子打出来的时候头发都有了，长得很像我，是个男孩。

说来也怪，别的女孩子和我在一起，总是怕怀孕，

她却不是，每次我问她用不用我采取什么避孕手段时，

她总坏笑着说不用，说她自己有办法，

我当时就猜想她是不是吃了什么避孕药之类的，也就没多想。

 后来才知道，她的目的就是想要一个我的孩子。

18岁，在很多人看来本是一个什么都不太懂只知道追星和有点叛逆的年龄，

她却不是，虽然她总是调皮的，难缠的，却相当的成熟。

我说她成熟，是因为她在那方面实在比我当时还要老练，

不但各种姿势都轻车熟路，而且挑逗人的手法也超乎的厉害。

在床上，你很难把她和一个只有18岁年龄的女孩子挂上联系，

她更像一个30岁的少妇，经验十足，超级厉害，

每次她大汉淋漓的从我身上下来，

我都感觉自己被强暴了，哈哈，这感觉还真的不曾有过。

 我这辈子最浪漫的一次就是和她在一起的时候，我送了999朵玫瑰给她。

真的是999朵，一支不多，一支不少，你知道 999 朵花是 什么概念吗？

呵呵，我告诉你，那是很大的一束花，大到什么程度？

她一个人是拿不起来的，需要2个人抬，很重很重，

不管是谁抱着那 束花，都会把你的身子挡的严严实实，

只能看到你的腿和脚，上半身是绝对看不到的。
看到花的时候，她哭了。。。

 这个我真的没想到，曾经想象过很多次她看到这束花的表情，

我以为她会高兴的跳起来。

或者一脸惊讶的表情，怎么都想不到她会哭。

花是我昆明一个养花的朋友亲手摘的，

她在自己的花圃里精选了999朵最好看的玫瑰。

当时她一边给我摘花，一边无限嫉妒的说，真想看看那个女孩子长什么样子。

她说虽然一直在种玫瑰，但是从来都没有人给她送过那么多的玫瑰，

而给人一次包999朵，也是第一次。

当我半开玩笑的问她要多少钱时，她一脸严肃的告诉我，

这些花是无价的，只给她认为值得给的人。

然后又一脸天真的笑嘻嘻的说，只要我给她唱歌就足够了。

我唱了，整整一个晚上。

一个晚上，她一边听歌一边修剪这些花，然后和3个人合力包起来，

用了20张最大的包装纸，整整2卷彩带。

她包花的技术是我见过的最好的。

当我艰难的把这束超级漂亮的花搬运到她们学校门口的时候，

不知道聚集了多少女孩子的围观。

呵呵，我知道这很哗众取宠，

因为它看起来不像是一束花，

更像是一个超大的花篮，立在地上，是那么的炫目，

大家都在唧唧喳喳的询问花朵的数量，当我报出是 999 朵时，周围一片哗然，

哇～ 好多女孩子都惊呆了，“ 这就是 999 朵啊，我是第一次看到这么多玫瑰耶! ”

我笑而不语。

老远，她呆住了，我猜想她之前一定以为别人在和她开玩笑，

我站在花朵后面向她微笑招手。

 眼泪。。。

 我看到她呆立在那里，眼泪唰的涌了出来，我用了一个 “ 涌 ” 字，

实在是因为她的眼泪来的太快太多，不停的流，周围一片寂静，

我的眼圈也不知什么时候湿润了，

因为，我做到了我答应她的一件事。

那就是，她曾经刁难我说，

不许我走，如果我要离开这个城市，就必须送她 999 朵玫瑰才可以走。

时间在这一刻凝固，没有任何人说话，大家都在好奇的看着我们，看着她。

 许久，她咬着嘴唇说了一句话：我不要花，我要你！

哇～ 周围又是一阵哗然，还伴随着男生们尖锐的口哨声，

没有人知道这999朵玫瑰的含义，

大家都以为那只是一个有钱的男孩子追女孩 子的场面。

 我没有说话，拿起背着的吉它，唱了一首歌，那是为她写的歌：

 总有一天，我会背上行囊，

走在那条老路上

总有一天，我会离开这个地方，

离开想我的姑娘  不知是流浪选择了我，

还是我选择流浪

反正我不属于，任何，一个地方

我不能给你幸福，我的姑娘，

于是我只能独来独往

我没有任何财富，和任何家当

于是我只能对你，冷若冰霜

让我走吧，亲爱的姑娘

虽然我很想，疯狂的爱你一场

让我走吧，我梦中的新娘

虽然我只能想你断肠。。。

 唱完这首歌，我哭了，她哭了，多半的人都哭了。。。

 那一年，我20，她18，她肚子里的孩子2个月。


我当时真的不知道她怀孕了，这事情估计只有她自己清楚，

毕竟2个月没来例假对哪个女孩子来说都不是小事，她肯定知道自己怀孕了，

要不也不会轻易的让我走。

因为她还说过一句话就是，“ 你走可以，我要和你有个孩子。”

我笑了，“ 那人家问你孩子的爸爸是谁你怎么说？”

她无语，许久，她斩钉截铁的说：

“ 我不会让任何人知道这件事的，我会到一个没人认识我的地方，

把孩子生下来，养大，因为他一定和 你很像，看着他，我就会看到你了。”

我信，她是什么样的女孩子我当然最清楚，

我相信她说出来，就一定可以做到。

也就是从那个时候开始，她开始 “ 强暴 ” 我了，

因为只要我在上面，每次我都会不弄在她里面，她就很生气。

 “ 你怕什么？”

 “ 我。。。 你才18岁啊，现在要孩子不是太早了嘛，

 再说，我不想你一个人养孩子啊，

 你也知道我不会留下来。。。我也不想孩子 生下来就没有爸爸啊 ... ”

 “ 正因为我知道留不住你，所以才想要一个你的孩子，怎么养孩子是我的事。”

她眼睛睁的很大，有点挑衅的看着我。

我知道我完了，

脑子里面想象过无数次在某个下午突然一个孩子抱着我的腿叫我爸爸的情景。

于是我就更加小心，但是她实在太厉害，不 管我怎样忍住，

她都能轻而易举的给我 “ 吸 ” 出来，然后就在那里得意的笑，

我认栽，谁让她水平那么好呢。

有好几次，她都在那里拍着自己的肚子喃喃的说：

“ 宝宝，你爸爸要走了，他不要我们了，你长大了可不要像他一样啊。”

我就笑她，“  这么小的肚子，哪里会有宝宝啊 ”，每到此时，她就会神秘的坏笑。

现在想想，那个时候她肯定已经怀孕了，

我真该死，怎么就没看出来呢，她2个月没来例假我也没留意到，

天啊，我是多么粗心的一个男人啊。

送完花的第2天，我走了，她没来送我，事实上根本就没人知道我什么时候会走，

就好像我从来都不曾在这个城市出现过，悄悄的来，悄悄的走了。

  一直都没有和她联系。

我以为她会忘了我。  后来听说她的室友说我走后，她抱着那束花哭了好几天，

一直到花都烂掉了也不许人仍。

直到几个月的一天，我给一个哥们打完电话，那个哥们突然拿着手机找到我，

说是她打来的，要和我说话，我茫然的拿起电话，那边传来 她的哭泣声，

我急忙问，你怎么了？

很久很久，那边就说了一句话。

 “ 老公，我们的孩子死了。。。。。”

电话断掉了，我疯狂的打过去，却怎么都没人接。

那时候我才从我这个哥们那里知道，她有了我的孩子，

而且她真的跑去一个陌生的城市 打算生下来，那个城市是重庆。

后来她父母找到了她，在劝说无效的前提下，不知道用什么手段强行把孩子做掉了，

那时候孩子8个月大 ，做的引产，孩子死了，出来的时候头发都有了。。。

她疯了，每天不吃不喝，就要医生还给他孩子，后来身体虚脱了，

只能躺在床上靠葡萄糖营养液维持生命，

医生们实在没办法就把别人的孩子抱来给她，

她就一直抱着那个孩子要给他喂奶，那个孩子她喂了整整20天。。。

 “ 你别找她了，她家都搬走了，没人知道搬到哪里了，

               她父母现在管她很严，就怕你找到她。”

朋友的话在耳边响起，遥远的像是天籁之声。

我的手指深深的扣进泥土里，

折断了好几根专门为了弹琴而留的右手指甲都浑然未决，

孩子，她真的有了我的孩子，哈哈，我怎么就 没察觉到，

天啊，18岁的女孩子，为了我，

一个人跑到重庆那个没人认识她的地方，就为了生下我们的孩子。

我是多么大的一个罪人啊 。。。。。

写到这里，我的泪水还是禁不住流了下来，那么多过去了，

我还是不能原谅自己，

那个天真的女孩子，那个幽怨的女孩子，那个倔犟的女 孩子，

她不能留住我，就想出了这么恐怖的一个计划：

到一个没人认识她的地方，私自生下我们的孩子，然后养大。。。

那需要多么大的勇气啊，而我，却一直都不知道她怀孕了。。。

 后来的后来，我去了重庆，

本来这个城市不在我流浪的行程里，却是因为她曾经去过，

我就去了这个山城，也到过她打胎的那家医院。

然后使出浑身解数讨好里面的妇产科护士，

终于，我知道了当时的故事。

 她是被人绑着上的手术台，因为她拼命抵抗，

连腿都蹭破了，死活不要打掉这个孩子。

她父母是当地的高级官员，自然不能让家里出这么大的笑柄，

硬是买通医生给她强行做了引产，

在场的护士说当时参加引产的护士里面都哭了好几个。

因为她那倔强的眼神，和想要孩子的 决心，本来要打麻药的，

后来都因为她强烈挣扎无法进行，再说引产还是产妇清醒一点为好，

于是就用个很长的针管从她肚子扎下去，把 孩子打死了，

然后再生下来，她因为之前拼命叫，嘴巴都给堵上了。

她就一直用眼睛狠狠的瞪着那个要打针的大夫，好几次大夫都下不去 手，

但是在她父母的再三催促下，还是扎下去了，

当时她瞪着大夫，眼泪唰唰的流个不停。。。。。。。


那几个护士还说，要不是她父母给的钱多，

谁都不愿意给她做这个引产，说现在想起她那个眼神都还恐怖之极，

那是充满怨恨的眼睛，因为医生正在夺去她最珍贵的东西，

甚至比她的命还要珍贵。。。

我身边的这个男人终于再讲不下去

我也不要再听，打这些字的时候，我尽量不让自己想些什么，

可是眼泪还是落在键盘上  ;  女孩要不要都这么傻?

2010-03-08T00:52:00.005+08:00

WHAT THE FUCKK!?

i chance upon this news just now while surfing the net!?

what's the world going on nowadays man!? omg.

inhuman creatures!

Teen raped by 15 men

IPOH - A 15-YEAR-OLD student was gang-raped by 15 men in Sungai Klah
in Sungkai, about 84km from Ipoh.
The girl was first raped by five men at a hot spring site at about 6.30pm on Feb 28.
'She was forced by a man known only as 'Wan' to follow him to the hot springs,
where four others were waiting,'
said Tapah OCPD Superintendent Roslan Bek Ahmad.
There, the five men took turns to rape the girl.
One of the men was told to send the girl back after the incident.
However, he took the girl to an empty house in Felda Sungai Klah,
near the hot springs, where 10 others were waiting.
The girl was repeatedly raped and kept at the house.
The next day, she was sent to the Sungai Kruit bus station
where her godbrother picked her up and sent her home.
The girl related her ordeal to her mother who took her
to lodge a report at the Sungkai police station.
Supt Roslan Bek said police detained two suspects, aged 15 and 29,
in Sungkai at about 1am on Tuesday.
He is confident that police would round up the others soon.
-- THE STAR/ANN

2010-03-06T01:19:00.015+08:00

I've just typed a long post and i backspaced everything .

cause i just don't like the idea of publishing it.

sighs.

but it feels good after typing and letting out whats inside me.

woah.

anyways, went for combine practice today.

and did i mention that the school aesthetic groups are doing up a combine performance @ the Esplanade!?

ohh, i didn't.

i neglected my blog since ages ago.

it went into hibernation, for... ehs, not long la.

maybe around a month or so.

rights, we'll be playing/singing the song "forturna" and our school song (remix version)

cool or whattt? ;D

practice today was hilarious, i mean i didn't expect things to turn out so nicely.

its like having so many people, putting everything together is already a great challenge x)

anyways, the conductor wasn't miss ding.

which is kind of unexpected as she've always been the grand matriarch or rather the diva of the performing arts team.

anyways, i haven't seen that conductor around in school before.

but i heard from the others that he's the conductor of choir.

he's very good looking i must say ;D

i couldn't very much take my eyes off him throughout the whole thingy.

* mesmorized *

LOL. wth, shermaine laughed at me ">,<"

* side track *

its rare that i 'look' at guys okay!

i mean, most of the time beautiful girls capture my attention more than handsome guys.

well, i'm not lesbian btw.

but i just find it more 'fascinating' looking at girls than guys. no offence ^,^

but whatttt.

even Hong agrees with me lor.

pretty girls are definitely more worth looking at what.

guys can see, girls cannot ahs!? :/

okay, back to track.

that conductor, by the name of... Terrence i think? not very sure.

but yeah, he's great (: i love the way he conducts and interacts with us.

alrights alrights, enough of him.

whole rehearsal ended around 5plus..

stayed in CO room and practiced some pieces while waiting for the EXCOs to finish their session with tingyu.

random thoughts random songs woah.

probably because i was alone, in the big and cold room x)

Oops, if wenyi sees this, she's goner call me TWC the emo kid again. tsk. whatttt.

fml, my fingers ain't as 'fast' as last time already.

tsk.

i really hate this ; that i couldn't play the 'fast and furious' part D:

skills rusted.

seems like my fingers couldn't bring themselves as fast.

damnn.

gotta do some brushing up some of these days.

it was a long wait.

ended around 7?

dinnered with Mr Wong with rest of the EXCOs.

talked, nth much in particular, just some random co stuffs.

ohh, i've yet to tell Miss Sim that i'm going to Taiwan! D:

shot me . NAOOOOO~

i don't dare to break the news to her.

so i kinda consulted mr wong just nao.

he offered to be the messenger :DDD he's a rocker manzxzxz.

he went off early, around 8, i think?

didn't really keep track of the time.

well, went to the roof top of T1 and have a nice session with the EXCOs (:

Clarice, Malcolm, RuiXiang and WeiJie.

Shermaine went for church to see her mediacorp actor CHRISTOPHER LEE -.-

still laugh at me just nao looking at boys.

walao.

hahahahahahas.

girls will be girls la.

honestly, i feel so "out" .

because its all excos, and supposingly Shermaine should be the one there.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING THERE?!

it was a fun session though.

but still, i seems somehow irrelevant to be there anyways.

whichever it is, i do hope they've enjoyed those 'craps' that i've addressed to them about.

ohh yes, juniors nowadays are getting bolder indeed.

showing no respect at all for us seniors.

okay, nvm.

homed around 10plus.

bathed and whatsoever, so here am i blogging.

i know my blog's dead.

trying to make it 'alive' nao.

i'm not good at making things lively though :/

* shrugs *

but what to do?

sec4 -

a painful and unbearable year for me.

or perhads i should say, its a crucial year.

perpetual flood of common tests , CAs, class tests etc. etc. are drowning me.

i can feel my stress-level hitting its roof anytime soon.

putting in everything to study and mug.

but results ain't showing.

fml?

i really don't know what else can i do.

i almost failed my english paper.

its a close shave because if you don't know,

i've got 50/100 for english language this common test.

the only consolation i have for myself is that my level position is not as bad compared to last year.

44/200?

in case you're wondering and telling me thats very good already because i used to bottom the cohord at 100plus.

i'm telling you now, its not.

its not what you think at all.

i maintained a good level position not because i'm really good.

its just that i'm doing well in my POA and ART.

they just happen to pull up my overall, thats all.

i got Cs for everything else.

which is really worrying.

okay, maybe not.

i exaggerated abit.

english - C6

higher chinese - C5

maths - B4

sciences - B3

humanities - C5

POA - A1

ART - A2

but still, its sucky, isn't it?

i'm so disgusted with my results that i'm ashamed to look at it myself.

and i'm so disappointed that i only got an A2 for visual arts D:

i cannot go on like this anymore!!!!!!

at this rate...
my hopes of getting into a renowned JC will be dashed . D:

L1R5 - 21marks?

L1R4 - 19marks?

where can i go!?

as much as i want to, i just can't focus .
i tend to drift away in class like what wenyi mentioned earlier on.

i find it soooooo difficult to keep my attention on what the teacher is teaching.

okay, maybe i can, for a minute or two.

then my mind start drifting away to my own little world.

WHYYY!?!

i cannot go on like this anymore.

NOOOOO.

* pulls hair *

and scream~~~

I should relax, i know.

why am i getting myself so fucked up nowadays !? WHYYYY!?

getting lonely nowadays.

why's there so many problems.

screw this shit laaaa. :/

friends? well, drifted much.

Hong retained, i think most of you heard about it.

rarely hang around with her.

mostly because of our schedule, lessons ending at different timing.

busying with each's own stuffs etc.

many other contributing factors which i don't wanna mention here.

JY, have been hanging around with her bf.

or if not, studying most of the time.

different subject combination, no point studying tgt anyways.

our schedule clashes most of the time too.

CDtape, have her own clique to manage.

no more MNC (midnight calls) ever since starting of the year.

well, we're both tired and drained after everyday's activities

and also, packed timetable.

kinda sad cause i miss those times where we talked endlessly, only about things that we understand...

Shermaine, we've been talking la. but then, its like, she've also got tonns of co stuffs whatt.

things to settle with exco they all. and whatever things.

Germaine, found herself a new clique or rather another group of people to hang around with.

nth much to talk about either.

she've got her own friends, and such.

nowadays, i find it so difficult just to find someone to have lunch with me.

so, i skipped it most of the time.

even dinner?

when i can't find anyone to eat with, i just skip those meals.

i find it really meaningless to eat alone. D:

sighs.

ehs? it just occured to me that, none of the above's same class as me??

i coudn't very much find any company in my class.

i mean, 4E4, what kind of people in this class...

i'm sure you guys know it very well, isn't it?

lessons became boring much, dozing off, or thoughts loitering itself away... ...

isabelle is a nice girl, i know.

but i don't really share things with her because honestly,

she've got much more problems herself compared to me.

family, friendships, financial issues, studies.

her life's pretty much fucked up more than mine.

there's a saying...

"jia jia you ben nan nian de jing"

meaning everyone have their own problems.

haiya.

i know thats a very bad translate.

but what to do!

don't expect too much because i told you i'm struggling with english language!

and i just rmb there'll be oral exam right after march hols.

fml, tell me what to do.

with this kinda english pronunciation, i'm bound to do badly.

so not-ready-yet.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE converse with me more in english everyone~

i must learn to speak proper and standard english lehh..

walao, why am i borned in Singapore.

i find singaporeans talk so 'unglamly'

LOLL. i'm a good example.

- Singlish.

pouts.

you tell me how ~~laaaa~~

you seeeeee!?

i ~~speak~~ write in singlish even when i blog.

): must really change this habit of mine manxzxzxzx.

in the shortest possible time.

i wanna hold a "SPEAK STANDARD ENGLISH CAMPAIGN" ~~leh~~ .

so that i can speak better english and so can all of you guys.

okay, i didn't expect this post to be so longggg.

end abruptly.

kbai.

2010-02-07T23:29:00.000+08:00

Readers, I promise. I will revive this blog. I am going to write again. I hope. You hope as well.

this is obvious and i sort of know everything thats going on.

but thats impossible, and we both know it very well.

ohh well.

thats it man.

Unfaithful - Rihanna

Story of my life, searching for the right
But it keeps avoiding me
Sorrow in my soul

Cause it seems thats wrong
Really loves my company

He's more than a man and this is more than love
The reason that the sky is blue
But clouds are rolling in because I'm gone again
And to him I just can't be true

And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happying with some other guy
I can see him dying

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Every time I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside

I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be a murderer ~

I feel it in the air as I'm doing my hair
Preparing for another date
A kiss up on my cheek, he's here reluctantly
As if I'm gonna be out late

I say I won't be long just hanging with the girls
A lie I didn't have to tell
Because we both know where I'm about to go
And we know it very well

Cause I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Every time I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside

I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be a murderer ~

Our love, his trust
I might as well take a gun
And put it to his head
Get it over with
I don't wanna do this
Anymore, anymore

And I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
And every time I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside

And I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be a murderer ~
A murderer, no no no
Yeah ~

2010-01-08T23:48:00.002+08:00

damn lazy to complete the previous post.

well, i've decided not to finish it anyway.

because...

well, sort of since day one when school started everyday's like damn screwed and !?!@#$#

and by posting them would mean i would have to recall them which would make me thinks alot and... of course arose-ing my urge to curse and swear.

i was told girls must be more civillised and should not swear (: no? :/

anyways, everyday had been like i said.

screwed, i mean damn screw because i only sleep for approximately 3hours daily because of the overwhelming homework that's like burdening me to death D:

okay, blame on myself that i haven't been doing homework over the holidays -.-

whatever.

but today's a nice day (:

well, at least its not as bad compared to the beginning of the week.

wednesday was my birthday.

finished CO orientation presentation around 4plus, helped out with the cca bazaar things.

and left school at 6plus.

unplesant things happened.

but okay, everything was sort of fine already (:

sorry to everyone whom i scold/shout/scream/yell/roar/whatever ... at recently.

PMS and it came on my birthday itself? wth?

its damn awfully uncomfortable, but still i managed to somehow don't show it..

tsk. but my attitude showed everything lor ):

and btw i received a handmade present from shermaine wee! ;DDD

its damn cool lor.

its a handmade photoframe!

and on the photoframe there's a MINI ZHONG RUAN on it!

damn cool can!?

and its nicely decorated with many many "thick and thins" we went through.

okay, and there's some of our signature phrases on it!

YOUU TELL ME HOW!! ... can i not love her!? (:

i'm really damn touched because school's like so busy.

and its made with alot of effort and time okay!

and i know that she's as busy as i am recently, yet she make out time to do that!

how nice of her rights!

ohh and jiayan, lynnette and melody also shared money bought an apple authentic iphone earpiece for me when i just posted i wanted a pair on wednesday itself! ;DDD

damn surprised when lady linjiayan placed it on my table with a "foolscap" (inside joke*winks) this morning!

thanks girls ;DDD

my beloved jiayan went all around to find it for me lor.

coz some places don't sells it.

and some places sell only the itouch ones which don't have a speaker or whatever you call that, to talk on phone.

somemore this one is with different earpiece "head" one lor.

aiyah, nvm. i doubt u guys understand.

but i'll post some pictures up next time (if i've got the time tat is...)

ohh yes!

before i forgot.

have i mentioned i got to know a clique of some real cool people over the hols?

they consist of...

Timmy, the talk soft soft "driver".

Adeline, the cute looking lady.

Ian, the forever joker aka the clique's entertainer.

and not to forget,

Yanting, the low profile one.

they all also shared money to get me a watch and a pouch together with my sister.

how sweet rights!

and i've so much fun with them over the hols!

ktv sessions, mahjong sessions, birthdays bash, chilling out @ Settlers', hanging over @ timmy's place, visiting ian's creep, nail painting sessions for all of them, touring around in timmy's car, visit to marina barrage late in the night, rochor tau huey & you chay kuey sessions, dinning here and there... etc. and many many more.

they are a hillarious and awesome bunch people man!

and partly because there's a car for us to travel around, its very much convenient and we could get to any destination in a short time which left us with plenty of time to enjoy.

also, with a car around, we can go home at whichever hour we wants because there's no need to be worried about not being able to catch the last train or bus!

and and and...

they mediocally named the car as "rolling rolling"

because rolling rolling. the wheels roll and home you are already.

damn cool rights!

Rolling Rolling. WHAT A NAME!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

wah.

i wants to get a boyfriend that can drives leh.

lidat then can drive me around everyday already.

walao D:

okay. smack that.

i'm going to sleep.

and dream about a boyfriend who can drives! pouts ):

PS. tmr still got CIP D: flag day! report 7.45am at ISH ):

2010-01-06T03:21:00.002+08:00

this morning kicked off with a lame conversation with isabelle tan (who sits behind more for morning assembly) and novi (who was seated beside me)...

miss C, the principal was giving her long speech as usual and...

miss C ; "... !?@#$ with a egg... #$@#$%" (okay, i cannot rmb what she says, but tats not the mainpoint)

novi ; "AN EGG" (boldly corrected her mistake and was like so loud? i think everyone around can hear lor.)

isabelle ; "what egg?"

novi ; "she say wrong!"

isabelle ; "ohh? i wasn't even listening a single shit pleasee. what she say?"

me ; "she says A EGG" ..

isabelle ; "AHAHAHAHAHAHAH (laughed out loud loud) FAIL!" (i think everyone else heard tat lor. is like so loud?)

me ; "ehs, like you got pass lidat."

isabelle ; " -.-"

after few seconds...

isabelle ; "Ehs!! i got pass okay! english!"

me ; "you only pass english and failed ALL the rest, isabelle!"

isabelle ; "pout ): shutup la!"

LOL.

okay.

today was a bad day, i mean yesterday (pass midnight already what.)

this morning was a hell because i've got a freaking heavy and bulky bag to bring as there's like tonns of things to bring.

and i struggled all the way from home to school and up class.

nvm about that.

and first period was POA lesson(s)

there's suppose to be double periods but because of miss C's long long speech, it was only left with one period.

and first thing first, was homework.

okay, i did mine but i thought i didn't and i even ask marjorie to go school earlier to let me copy.

but in the end i found out i did it even before the hols -.-

miss W is always damn slow one lor.

everytime i thought the ws she want collect is new hw, damn kanchiong, but in the end is i did way before already.

waliew D:

first lesson of the year,

MORE THAN HALF the class was sent out of class.

ZAI. 4e4.

its either never do hw, never bring hw, never bring textbook or never bring book keeping.

or worst still, didn't bring ALL.

and lesson was damn peaceful with only like less than 10 people having lesson in class? (:

i like it.

afterwhich was combine humans, nothing much interesting happened.

just that the new teacher mdm M was ... (i don't know to use what vocab on her)

she can just talk about really random stuffs and nothing related to the subject at all.

and never look at textbook and talked for the whole hour continuously.

i think she is goner be miss C's jie ban ren already.

recess.

jiayan was absent today.

and our clique's like damn quiet and no happening, AT ALL ):

since lili and carmen retained and had different recess with us, it've been like this lor.

TMD.

ohh yes, introducing a new member to our clique (: MELODY YAP.

one period of maths.

and then it was ART.

okay. here it goes.

I ESPECIALLY STAY UP SO LATE TO DO THIS POST BECAUSE OF THIS KNNBCCB THING THAT HAPPENED.

miss S, our art teacher told us to bring

1) drawing black

2) colour pencils (60 colours)

3) 2B 4B 6B pencils

4) Brushes

5) acrylic paint

6) plastic cup

i must say first, there's 3periods of art today, which is a whole 2hours.

and miss S, first thing is check our items.

only 5 people brought all their items and i'm one of the 5 (:

she wants us to put ALL out things into the carboard, with names written on every item.

and the cardboard is like right at the top of the ceiling which requires us to climb ladder (yes, LADDER, not stairs i'm talking about here)

this took around 40min.

because those who don't have items who told to go downstairs buy.

and when we finish keeping all the things right.

i've got no issues on that.

she assign work.

different groups of ppl do different things what.

so she settle the paper-cut group first.

providing all the materials needed.

and i've no issue on that also la.

i'm one of those who were doing painting.

and you know what?

after she settle finish those papercut ppl already more than an hour gone lor.

nvm about that.

and the worst thing came.

she came to us (those doing painting)

here comes the part that made me pekcek, dulan, furious, knn, and whatever la.

SHE TOLD US TO GO AND GET OUR THINGS BACK (those that we just put into the high cupboard) AND COMPLETE THE DRAWING YESTERDAY.

and this is like really ridiculous because we just ~~spend~~ WASTE 40 mintues to put them in and whats more our files (which contain our incomplete drawing) and drawing blocks were put at the other side of the art room.

whaturf?!?

WHAT IS THIS?

she freaking make us spent 40min putting the things and waiting for past 30min waiting for those go buy things and for her to settle her papercut students.

and then she ask us to go collect back the things again?

is she mad or am i being t0o harsh to say her lidat?

knn one leh. that miss S. knn one lor.

whatever to her man.

and this is not the end lor.

we climb up to the cupboard again and then collect our..

- paint

- brushes

- plastic cup

then you know what she says?

"i only need the brushes, the rest no need ; use the school paint."

so all over, we climbed back up for the 3rd time.

to put back the paint and the cup.

*boilling to max already*

AND THIS IS STILL NOT THE END YET!

by the time we started to paint, the lesson already left 20min -.-

and then of course, cannot finish.

so she's like, okay go home and finish it up.

WHATURF! WHATURF! WHATURF!

YOU CAN GO AND DIE REALLY SERIOUSLY.

AND I MEAN IT.

what?

don't understand?

we're using the school paint now.

and if she wants us to go home and complete means we have to climb up all over again and collect our own paint and all the other materials to bring home paint.

THEN WHY SHE MUST WASTE THE WHOLE ONE HOUR PLUS TO MAKE US CLIMB UP CLIMB DOWN PUT THE THINGS LOR.

turben kia leh. waliew.

PS. (this post is incomplete, i'll finish it tml later. its 4am now and i have to get some sleep)

PS. things i want for my birthday!

1) a hair dryer ; those that can blow both hot and cold wind

(okay, i know demanding for a hair dryer for present sound stupid and auntie, but i'll explain why later)

2) iphone earpiece (i lost mine D:)

and please don't get me JJ's new album.

i got mine already (:

tyvm.

2009-12-22T22:47:00.007+08:00

HOHOHO ~ Santa Claus is coming to town ~

okay.

every year chrismas right, whatever i wish also won't come truth one.

so this year i shall wish for alot alot alot of things.

so that one of them will definitely come true! (:

PS all wishes are not in preferably order...

- jiayan and junting to last long long and sweet sweet!

- cindytay to be ungrounded asap!

- seewenyi to recover from all her toothache with her newly fixed bracers and stuffs!

- honglili to be back from china asap!

- carmen to do really well for her studies next year!

- shermaine to stop her "you-tell-me-how!" -ings !

- isabelle to stop emo-ing!

- jieyou to find a job!

- zihui to mug hard for her A'levels next year!

- yonghan to stay HAPPILY single!

- wingyee to stop postponing the scheduled time!

- fabian to stress less in his oh-damn-busy poly life!

- weijian to enjoy his NS life!

- all seniors who took O'levels to score well!

- all seniors who took A'levels to score well!

- get my Sony Ericsson Satio!

- get my Sony Mini Vaio!

and lastly, i wish myself would be motivated to study and mug for o'levels D:

i'm like really panicking already!

i really need to sit down and study! D: OMG.

and shit. hols is goner be over!

like real soon!

this holiday don't seems to be like hols to me!

its like... ZOOM!

and its gone.

): pouts.

last few days of december...

note : words in red means totally packed for the day.

words in black means there still allowance for another appointment.

words in grey means appointments that are subject to changes ; not confirmed.

23 wednesday

- marjorie's birthday!

- pack room!

24 thursday

- chrismas eve!

- out with han!

- countdown!

- shayting's birthday!

25 friday

- chrismas day!

26 saturday

- buy books!

- out with jiayan or sandra!

27 sunday

- mom in malaysia!

- go school!

- sushi with zihui!

- concert at SCH!

- concert at Esplanade!

28 monday

- mom in malaysia!

- out with wingyee!

29 tuesday

- mom in malaysia!

- CIP in school!

- CO Concert Rehearsal!

- out with cindy or wenyi or jiayan or sandra, hopefully! the 4 that always cmi -.-

30 wednesday

- mom in malaysia!

- gathering dinner!

- out with cindy or wenyi or jiayan or sandra, hopefully! the 4 that always cmi -.-

31 thursday

- wenyi's birthday!

- countdown 2010!

January...

1 friday

- agnes' birthday!

2 saturday

- peiyun's birthday!

- choon wang's birthday!

3 sunday

- prepare for school!

- jialin's birthday!

- weijie's birthday!

4 monday

- School Starts! D:

2009-12-11T01:16:00.002+08:00

tired of waiting for him to be home and gets online.

i wonder when will be the next time i'll see you again.

but whatever it is, takecare and bye.

for the last time.

i love you .

2009-12-09T10:23:00.002+08:00

i cannot go on like this! D:

okay, i didn't sleep a wink last night.

the N-th time of the week.

wtf?

omg. whats with me!? D:

i cannot i cannot i cannot!

life's like totally screwed?

i thought i'm strong enough for all thats happening.

but, i was wrong.

2009-12-07T23:37:00.004+08:00

So many things to do ; yet so little time.

Holidays will be coming to an end soon.

and i have yet to done any of the things that i need to D:

First things first.

i need to up meet and catch up with some people...

1. Jiayan

2. Cindy

3. Wenyi

4. Zihui

5. Yonghan

6. Wingyee

7. Shermaine

8. Zhiyin

9. Sandra

10. JianXiang

11. Mui

12. B

followed by tanboyue BBQ on the 14th.

afterwhich 6G'06 outing.

and then i gave my word to jianxiang that goner pei him watch NewMoon.

plus i've promised cindytayxinyi to visit the Peranakan Museum with her someday! (:

in addition.

i have to...

- get textbooks for next year

- get some storybooks to read

- get more clothes

- replenish my makeup box

- replenish my stationery

plus... i have alot to catch up on my work! D:

- read more english compositions and memorise good phrases + vocabulary

- read more english newspapers

- read more chinese compositions and memorise good phrases + vocabulary

- read more chinese newspapers

- practice more maths questions D: OMG.

- Study Social Studies

- Study History

- Study Chemistry

- Study Physics

- practise more POA and revise all the formular + readup ALL theory stuffs (understand)

- draw more ART stuffs as preparations for O'levels next year!

- finish up English CA1 Project ; Oral thingy (have to wait for JM come back!)

OMG!?!

today's the 7th of december already.

which means...

hmm...

we start school on the 4th of jan...

i plan to rest on the 3th and not going anywhere.

so... i'm left with...

8 - going to repair phone tml

9 - CT & WY go cruise

10 - CT & WY go cruise, wingyee's kaoji finish!

11 - CT & WY go cruise (back at 8pm)

12 -

13 -

14 - tanboyue BBQ, korkor back from melbourne! (1am's flight)

15 -

16 -

17 -

18 -

19 -

20 -

21 -

22 -

23 -

24 - go countdown ! x'mas!

25 -

26 -

27 - mum in malaysia ;D

28 - mum in malaysia ;D

29 - mum in malaysia ;D, CIP in school! D:

30 - mum in malaysia ;D (back at night)

31 - go countdown ! newyear!

1 -

2 -

okay, tats 26days.

lets see, i've got 12 ppl to meet.

so given one day for each person means...

26 - 12 = 14days ? D:

and you see!?

if you have the mean to count, i've got 12tasks on hand to be completed! D:

given one task per day will mean...

14 - 12 = 2days !?! D:

than i have to attend 6G'06 gathering.

and one more day for the tanboyue BBQ on the 14th.

then my holidays will be gone! D:

OMG.

but wait!

TML I STILL HAVE TO GO DOWN TO SOMERSET SINGTEL HEADQUARTERS TO REPAIR MY PHONE! omg.

and for 24th (x'mas) and 31th (newyear) have to reserve for countdown rights!?

i'm so deadd.

to think i still slacked my day away today ): pouts.

aiyah, i cannot imagine my life next year, like totally.

D: you tell me how! (HAHAHA shermaine, *inside joke*)

OHH YES! before i forgot!

I STILL HAVE TO MEET JIEYOU AND CO. FOR MAHJONG SESSION SOMEDAY! D:

its like postponed since june hols?!

): you tell me how ahs .

2009-12-07T16:12:00.002+08:00

tsk.

my iphone's officially deadd D:

and i just ringed up singtel to ask about the mobile contracts.

whats happening man!?

okay.

there's 5 mobile lines in total that my family signed up with singtel.

excluding my house number and the broadband internet.

i called and asked for the expiry dates of the respective contracts...

my own ; 2011 October

my sister ; 2011 November

my brother ; 2010 April

my father ; 2010 October

my mother ; 2011 June

wtf?

none of them is available! ):

and the nearest to end is like next year april?! D:

my kor used my contract to purchase a svmsung phone to bring it to australia just few months ago only. (tat result to my contract ending only in 2011 ):

and my sister?

ahs.

nvm about her.

she only uses her own contract to purchase phones.

dad's contract is the one tat i've used to buy my current useless iphone.

mum's contract was newly signed in june this year.

see?

nobody's line is available for me to get a phone!

omg.

how!

2009-12-07T00:24:00.001+08:00

walao ehs walao ehs walao ehs.

BOTH phones of mine went deadd on me. D:

wtf?

iphone's warranty just expired in nov

and my sony pinky's expired like months ago...

haiya.

how ahs ?

D: phoneless now! pouts.

2009-12-05T09:45:00.000+08:00

woah.

i'm so surprised that i'm able to wake up at this hour?

its barely ten in the morning.

what.

people normally sleep till 1plus in the afternoon okay!

anyways, chatted with MISS LEOW ZI HUI yesterday over the phone until 3plus this morning?

omg.

until her phone batt went flat and the phone gave up on itself.

then we go sleep.

well, at least i slept, i wonder if she sleeps anyways (:

ahar.

feel so much better talking to her.

she's like. omg. freaking good and ... nvm.

shouldn't mention about the main contents we talked about.

its meant to be a secret (:

ohh, and she provided me with tons of suggestions and comments on if i should go to a JC or poly after O'levels.

JC life's like totally hectic to max?

BUT. i still prefer JC!

because i still like this type of typical school life ;D

however i'm damn scared what if i cannot do well for A'levels, i'll have nowhere to go! D:

which means i'll have to waste 3 more years to study back poly and get my degree ONLY, not Uni somemore.

tats damn scary!

no?

and i heard from her that over 80 plus plus plus people in the cohord retained yearly!!

like wtf?

how does the jc take in new in-takes then?

i asked her.

she said that some ppl will switch to study poly instead after year1, who refuse to retain.

HUH.

which means have to spend 4years in total for pre-U education.

got "hua suan"mehs? D:

BUT. whatever lor.

we got sidetrack, because thats not the main point of the call anyways.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ohh well, that was it.

and i realised nowadays my memory get from bad to worst.

just now i was doing the dishes and dad wants me to get him the pot of porridge in the stove.

i told him i'll get him when i'm done with the washing.

and then i forgot all about it!

and went back to my room to blog and stuffs.

and then half an hour later my dad went booming his lungs off, asking for his porridge!

i was like. OMG. I FORGOT (x

and he begins his own lecture about me thinking about com com com all day long and not studying and whats not.

but, whatever.

and its my grandma's birthday today.

also, my father side's aunty birthday today.

haiya, i don't know which way to go ehs.

grandma's birthday da shou will be celebrated at tampines' Pu Tien

and aunt's birthday will be at bugis' ... i don't know what korean cuisine restaurant.

how ahs?

u guys must be wondering why never celebrates tgt rights!

well well, its just kinda complicated.

which i don't know how to explain it in this way.

just not in good terms ok?

which ever ways la.

hmm...

maybe i should just attend grandma's.

she's like 70plus plus plus already?

nvm.

ohh.

but aunt just called.

and i was in the toilet.

i can almost hear the old phone ring tone of my iphone (well, my sony ericsson pinky went deadd on me already)

she ring up my house instead.

like whats the point? i'm in the toilet for goodness sake.

nvm.

mum picks up and told her smth which she misinterprets and made everyone had a good laugh ;D

mum ; hello?

aunt ; why i call "ah mei" 's (this is how they address me) hp no answer huh? where she go!

mum ; diao jing ma tong diao jing ma tong... (drop in toilet bowl drop in toilet bowl) she meant i was in the toilet for ages already.

aunt ; huh? ta de HandPhone diao jin ma tong?!? (what!? her hp dropped into toilet bowl!?)

LOLL.

whatever la.

people.

omg.

its 4plus in the afternoon already!

i spent 7hours on this post + facebook + blog hopping + online shopping....

SHITZXXX.

I HAVE TO MEET GRANDMA AND MY COUSINS AT TAMPINES AT 6!

TMD.

i'm awfullly late -.-

thanks to fb.

tsk.

2009-12-03T23:06:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, when you don't ask questions, its not because you're afraid that someone will lie to your face ;

its because you're afraid that they'll tell you the truth.

i finally picked up my courage and popped the question just now.

i wish i haven't asked because, i was hit with the truth.

can someone tell me all these while, what i had are just infactuations? D:

2009-12-01T16:04:00.004+08:00

holidays finally started! ;DDD

oley oley oley oley ~

like finally?

promos exams are finally over.

kaoji's finally over. (AND I PASSED!! ;D happy dao~~~)

performance last sunday was also sucessfully held and end (:

and i'm finally goner be secondary4 next year! D:

BUT. i'm not looking forward :/

ohh yes, sunday's concert pictures are all with dearest CINDY TAY XIN YI (:

will upload them soon! when she've sent me tat is.

anyways, was suppose to go Escape Theme Park with dearest lili, carmen and jianxiang yesterday.

but i overslept.

LOLL. i PURPOSELY overslept because i don't want to go! ;D grins

slept till 3plus in the afternoon?!

woah.

ehs! i very long haven't had a good night's sleep already okay!

its like since one day before kaoji? which is like wednesday?!

omg.

i couldn't sleep because i'm damn nervous or scared or waddever you think it is!

and then the next day when its over, i couldn't sleep because i went to shermaine's house and talked through the night! remember?!

and since then have been worrying all day long lor.

like WTF.

finally gotten a good night's sleep after all the happenings (:

and i got 71marks for my grade 8! ;D okay, not quite good. BUT i expected myself to fail! and i didn't! ;D

and my damn pro "shi fu" got a freaking 92marks for his grade 9!!

OMG.

congratulations (:

ohh, well.

i went off-topic D:

continue with... hmm.. yesterday!

told lili and co. that i'll meet them for dinner instead.

prepared and everything, reached pasir ris at 7?

they made me wait outside Escape for an hour -.-

until 8 then they come out!

strolled to whitesands and dine in the "xin wang hongkong cafe" ...

crapped and bitched around until 11plus?!?

camwhore in the toilet afterwhich...

we haven't meet-up with each other since the last day of school ! D:

miss her like mad la ;D

ohh yes, honglili going back China this wednesday. which is like tml!?! D:

it've been a long time since i "zi lian-ed" also lor (:

reached home and i still couldn't get enough! ;DDD

omg? like all the same rights!?

i don't know how to take photo! D:

and btw,

PS. none of them are photoshopped (:

and ohh, i hate my BIGGG nose !

maybe i should consider a nose job also, like xiaxue?!

hahahahahahahahs.

and last photo for you guys before i go!

sian sian sian D:

10 more days! ):

nobody can understands. OMG.

~ i want nobody, nobody but CHUU . ~